Alone as a Couple
April 6, 2009
Just last night I was on Yahoo! Messenger catching up with an old friend, who also happened to be an ex-boyfriend. I was 14 when we started dating, so it’s been quite a while. I haven’t even seen him in, oh, almost a decade.
Anyways, it got me thinking about relationships and how things change so much once you get married. When you’re dating, you have friends that you hang out with and no one person is expected to fulfill all your needs as a person. Like you might have a girlfriend that you can tell anything to, and another friend that you can have intellectually stimulating conversations with about the economy and current events in world news. So my question is, once you find “the one”, is it fair to expect that they should fulfill every need, and if not, how do you explain to your spouse that you have to have those needs filled elsewhere.
I feel pretty blessed that I have someone that I can tell just about anything to and have fun with, even though we are a couple of lazy ol’ married farts that rarely get out anymore. But still, talking with my friend last night made me miss the fact that I USED to have friends.
I used to hang out with a variety of people, most if not all, with different beliefs than my own…which allowed me to keep my mind open to new things and explore different ideas. I think this is how people get more stubborn and rigid in their old age. Time might hand out wisdom, but it’s rare to be thought wise when you refuse to step in another’s shoes and see outside your own box. I don’t want this to become me.
So, can I still be proper and be allowed to have friends while married? What are your thoughts?
Entry Filed under: Uncategorized. Tags: Family, friends, marriage, relationships, spouse.
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randi | April 18, 2009 at 1:45 am
Schannelle, I saw your entry several days ago and can’t get it out of my mind. Some years back I to reconnected with my high school boyfriend. He contacted me and met me at a restaurant near my home while he took a break during a long road trip. We had a nice visit sharing and catching up on our lives. I asked him if his wife knew that he was stopping to see me and he said no as it would upset her. I told him I would tell my husband about our meeting that evening when we had a chance to talk about it, and I did. My dear old friend stopped to see me a couple more times over the next eight years, or so and I told my husband about each meeting.
From this experience I have learned a few things that may help you with the issues you are confronting now. First, I realized that I still had feelings for my old friend and missed the our depth of communication, our uncanny ability to ‘connect’, to virtually read each other’s mind. I missed that because my husband is not a great communicator. But, I came to understand that a parting of the ways years back doesn’t completely eliminate an attachment because there was a time of sharing, allowing ourselves to be vulnerable with each other. This being a reality of life means we have to find a way to prioritize our relationships.
I had to decide what and who was most important to me. Though my friend and I had shared a lot of memorable experiences, my husband and I had shared more binding experiences, especially having our three children. I knew that I could never be completely happy if I failed to honor the marriage and family committment I had made to my spouse and children. Also, I consider my marriage covenant to be God honoring and believed then, as I do now, that I would dishonor God if I dishonored my vows to be faithful to my husband.
My friend is also married and has two children. I knew if we were unfaithful to our spouses,we would be destroying the most important thing in the lives of five children – their security. No matter how often they are told it is not their fault, kids ALWAYS feel that they are to blame when their parents’ marriage fails.
If my friend and I betrayed our spouses, it would have devastated them. I know some marriages survive such trauma, but rebuilding and maintaining trust is much more difficult after such an event. If a marriage succumbs to infidelity everyone looses. I knew I did not want to carry the guilt of causing such devastation in the life of another woman. My husband’s sister just left her husband for her highschool boyfriend. My husband is so devastated by this he won’t even talk about it. Even extended family is brokenhearted when a marriage fails.
In your entry you also asked if it is fair to expect that someone fulfill a spouse’s every need. To expect anything to do with relationships to be ‘fair’ is simplistic. Any child expects ‘fair’ but the mature person realizes that meeting needs is the priority and needs vary from individual to individual and from circumstance to circumstance. While we do the best we can to fulfill our responsibilities, I don’t believe that it is possible to meet every single one of a spouse’s needs. That is why it is important to establish friendshipsand family relationships that both you and your spouse can enjoy and participate in. That way you can turn to people you both know and trust to help support you during those times and circumstances when you are not able to provide for each other’s needs.
As you said, you are blessed to have a good realationship with your husband. However, I sense that you miss the excitement and challenge you experienced in friendships of years past. Part of that is because you were just discovering the adult world. It was new to you. But what you didn’t have then was the security and intimacy of marriage. Don’t mistake the ‘comfortableness’ of your long lived relationship with stagnation. While your marriage may not have the stimulation of youth it is rich with the treasures of dreams fulfilled…you have someone who shares life with you, no matter how ‘daily’ it becomes!
I guess what it all comes down to for any of us is committment which is a decision we make over and over each day. Three days ago my husband and I celebrated our 37th wedding anniversary. We are not perfect and there is always something to improve in our relationship. But there is great satisfaction in resolving the struggles and abundant joy in realizing that you have ‘figured out’ what is truly important in life.
Shannelle, if you put your husband’s best interests ahead of your own, and he puts yours ahead of his own, neither of you will have regrets when you have been married 37 years. I pray that God will bless and guide you both in the adventure of marriage!